Thursday, July 7, 2011

"Grilled" Romantic Heart

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The below conversation happened in Vietnamese:

My mom: Do you want some lettuce?
Me: What kind of lettuce?
My mom: Your favorite lettuce, remember? [in English] heart romantic!

That was how my mom referred to hearts of Romaine. It's incredibly cute. From now on, I'm going to call Romaine lettuce heart romantic lettuce instead.

Let me tell you about a silly little love affair between the beautiful and delicate Heart Romantic Lettuce and the bad bad Delicious Bacon boy who stopped the sweet lettuce in her track via a heart attack.

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Once upon a time, there was this beautiful Heart Romantic Lettuce dressed in layers upon layers of beautiful frilly tulle. She met a boy called Delicious Bacon who made her heart fluttered like butterfly wings on a warm spring day (because his fats clogged her arteries with love).


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Unfortunately, beautiful Heart Romantic Lettuce met the Evil Knife and Teeth wielder a.k.a. me! I cut off her hard base and sliced her in half, length-wise. Mwhahahah!


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To make the poor Heart Romantic Lettuce suffer even more, I drizzled her splayed body with 1 tablespoon of olive oil and gave the balsamic vinegar bottle a few rigorous shakes. Some salts were sprinkled into the wound. And to further mutilate this beautiful thing, I popped her into the oven, turned it on BROIL - low for 5 minutes.


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Meanwhile, the Delicious Bacon lover rushed to his beautiful Heart Romantic with all the speed he could muster. Even for someone who consisted of 80% fat, Delicious Bacon was surprisingly fast. He collected quite a few black pepper bugs on the way (because he was moving so fast). Too bad Delicious Bacon's fat ass was no match for the Evil Knife and Teeth Wielder and he was cooked slowly medium high heat.

"Slow cook that shit!" screamed the Evil One gleefully.

Once the fat on Delicious Bacon boy had made enough sweet sizzling music to the Evil One's ears, he was removed from his pool of fat and his dried up body laid on a piece of pristine paper towel.

But no! The Evil Knife and Teeth Wielder was not satisfied! She pulled out her knife and chopped him up like a wood chipper.


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The Evil One decided that 5 minutes on low broil wasn't enough of a torture, so she switched the broiling to "high" for another 2 minutes. With a twisted mind like this Evil One, she decided to throw the tragic lovers together on a plate and annihilated their love with her sharp teeth.

This shit is delicious!
-- The Evil Knife and Teeth Wielder

3 comments:

  1. your story is sad. :( it made me shed tears. i can hear her screaming in the boiler. you're awful. :'''''''''''''(

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  2. also, i thought you were supposed to be in class. psha. lies!

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  3. But but, I let them join together in their afterlives in my stomach and digestive system!

    Also, there's a feature called "schedule" that I can schedule it to post whenever I want.

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